I have been thinking quite a lot about B.
In fact yesterday, I felt like there is a possibility of my dream coming alive??? Is that even possible?
Papa:
I have planned it for you Baby Girl. I love you so much that I have planned the best for you. Absolutely the best. I have a wonderful plan to bless and prosper you. I know the plans I have for you. Its all good. Hold me by the hand Baby Girl. I will cause everything to be put into place. Just wait on me and I will work things out for you.
I was reading an article about sex and I began to feel physical pain...
I felt the pain of my sexual life with IC. My Married life..
1) it was purely physical. Definitely.
2) I was so lonely that I needed touch and attention through sex because thats the only thing I feel that I can get from him and that he will give to me without complaining. Everything else he will complain. But when sex also he complained, i no longer want it.
3) Felt used
4) Rejection
5) His use of porn - I can't put a finger to my emotions. I feel like there is a blocked pain. Something that I dont want to think about... BETRAYAL. Yes, its that.
6) Not only that he cannot be nice, respectful, kind, understanding, cherishing, and all the opposite of what a husband is to be, he DOES NOTHING for me emotionally.
7) He makes me feel that I have no right to ask for a single thing from him. And even if I do ask, I wont get it.
8) I cannot give any comment. Its construed as criticism. It will not go well if I express it. Its shunned, frowned, dis-connect, reject, cold shoulder,
9) Cold Shoulder.
10) He is never nice to be outside the bedroom.
11) Sex was the ONLY thing that gave me some 'intimate' time with him. But yet, even with that, I never got anything from him in response.
12) Its my duty to fulfill his needs. In case I am not following the bible. He will go away and have his needs with other women.
13) He has 2 faces. He is cordial when outside but not at home. We put on a show when outside but when we are at home, we never talk.
DRN:
Feeling lonely, needing touch, attention, only way to be received and accepted, feeling used, betrayal, duty,
Lies:
- I must fulfill his needs if not he will go and find other women
- He will love me, if we have sex
- i dont have right to ask anything from him.
Truth:
Leave these behind and don't dwell on it anymore.
DRN:
PAIN? => Sadness, rejection, regret, betrayal, cheated, deprived, meanness, systematic torture, cruelly treated, abused, neglected, abandoned,
God, you didn't protect me? from Ivan...
I wanted you to stand up for yourself to him.
1) Protected you when I sent him to do music at church. You had free time on Saturdays without him and most Sundays he was there late. It wasn't that his music skills will be used anytime soon. It was just my way of getting him out of the way.
2) To BKK.. I wanted you to learn to stand-up for yourself.
3) During your breakdown from 2009-2012 - In a way, you were protected from him. You didn't have to deal with him for 4 years.
I feel like You want me to love again? But I have laid everything to rest. I have settled it in my heart that I will never receive love from a man. I have wanted this love for 24 years. I have longed for it. Hoped for it the whole time. And then I laid it to rest last year. I laid it to death. My hope for a marriage.. I lay it down to you.
But its hard to do that...
For many years, I wanted to have love, if not from IC but from someone. And now, you want me to do healing so that I can open my heart and be ready for love. Even to ask you for it?
Papa:
I want you to love again because that has always been the plan... for you to be loved. I have never planned for you to be neglected and abandoned.
Me: What do I do?
Papa:
Just trust me and follow HS leading. When the time comes, I will matchmake for you. He will be just right for you. He has been prepared for you. I found him worthy of you.
Prayer Request/Criteria for love:
1. Rich man
2. Considerate, loving, understanding, romantic, sense of humor, kind, compassionate, respectful towards me, sexy, good lover, not bad temper, easy to discuss and talk to, a good friend, good listener
3. Love you, intimacy with God, man of God,
4. Have same calling with me or can work with me in ministry
5. Not fat, not bald, treats me like a princess and wonderful person.
I can dream again????
2) I have never done it alone before.
4) fear of the unfamiliar
6) Loneliness
7)I have NEVER been without people I am familiar with
8) I don't have money
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Me: I feel teary and crying... Why Lord?
God: I am doing a deep Healing inside of you.
Me: More healing? More healing needed?
God: Yes.
Many many years ago, I have dreams of living with Ivan in a happy marriage. Where we talk, laugh and enjoy each other. Just recalling these memories, I felt pain in my body!
What's happening? Why do I feel pain in my body? Did I surpress the pain???? But I do feel pain just recalling these.
24 years is a long time to have my dreams die... Up till a year ago, I was still hopeful for a restored and healed marriage. Infact less than a year ago, I still thought that you will heal my marriage. I was still hopeful. Then as I began to let go, I can see more and more clearly ...
Is it burial day today? Burial of my marriage. Burial of hope?
Its been 24 years of hope, working at it, praying,...
You asked me if I will stay in the marriage if you change him. So, I stayed.
You didn't manage to change him? Why?
God:
I want to change him. I tried for a time. He doesn't feel the need to change. He is happy the way he is. He doesn't feel the need to change himself in this marriage. He has been used to the way he does things. He has never needed to change in 24 years. He has no need of you either. He loves himself more. He doesn't feel the need to change. He can live without you. He has all that he needs in himself. He doesn't think that you are worth the change. So, I am going to let him be.
Actually with the case of Ethaniel, he had a great opportunity to change. But still he did not. EC situation is a great opportunity and the best time to change for a family to come together. I also revealed to him, his issues and problems (Narcissistic) but yet, he still didn't want to change.
And I have removed him from your future because of the choice that he has made. I have a great plan for you without him.
Me:
I will go where you lead me and do what you want me to do. I will follow up and obey you. I can live with or without him. I know you have the best for me. Whatever you are doing.,
I have wanted something for 24 years - my marriage. I have had hope differed for 24 years
God, I don't know how to move forward without my kids and Ivan. At 50 years old, am I expected to move forward by myself? But why?
As dysfunctional as my life is, I have never gone alone. No matter what, I didn't have to go all by myself without my kids, or Ivan or family. They are not the best people but at least I don't have to go alone.
FEAR: going alone.
1)Nobody will help me: => -Ivan never helped me whenever I asked for help for anything. If he is the supposedly closes person to me and doesn't help me. Others also will not help me. Ivan blocked me from other helping me. Because others think that I am helped or provided for.
a) 1) complaining from Ivan whenever I ask him for help to do anything.
Lies: (Received hurt, rejection, not important, not worthy of his time or attention, feel small, feel insignificant, feel unimportant, my voice should be doubted for its value/importance/truth, nothing I say is smart or important, my opinions are not good enough and not good, 'keep quiet' because i won't take your opinion, you are nobody to me, you are not equal to me,)
Truth:
You are A BIG BODY of importance. You are my EQUAL. I will consult you and I will reveal mysterious things to you. I value your opinion, I value you. You are more than significant to me and my Kingdom. You will always have a say in me, about me, in my Kingdom... I trust you Baby Girl. I trust you will my people. I trust you with my Bride. He is the idiot.
b) My Mom who complains about everything she helps me except if I give her money. I don't know when it started but since forever, I could never ask Mom.. She has favoritism towards my Brothers. She will willingly do EVERYTHING for them. But I know that I can never ask her for anything.
- she always makes me feel unworthy, troublesome, not worthy the affection, not worth the attention, not important, not smart, not clever, no time for me, not good enough, not worthy, not special, not loved, not cared for, invisible, a hassle, troublesome, not protected, doesn't belong, not cool, not part of it, blamed, lonely, alone, don't dare to ask for anything, will not be given, the good stuffs are not for me, I only deserve the leftovers and the unwanted stuffs, the good stuffs are not for me (they are for others, my bros), don't even ask for the good stuffs, they are reserved for others,
Truth:
All of my promises and all that I have is yours. Ask of Me and I will give you the nations as your inheritance. Ask and you will receive, seek and you shall find, Knock and it will be given to you. Ask Baby girl, ask.
c) Mom always always complain when I ask her for money since I was small. She ALWAYS whines and complains. She is not generous towards me.
Truth: I will be generous towards you. I am NOT your Mom or Ivan. I am God. The one who owns everything on this planet. You are the lover of Mine. What is it that I will not give to you? Ask.
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8) People are not safe:
a) My Dad - He molested me. Didn't protect me. He was never a father. I needed protection from him. The men in my life cannot be trusted. They were never a safe place... My brothers, Ethaniel, Ivan, Dad,
- Men is not a safe place, feeling unsafe, feel harmed, not protected, no where to hide, don't belong, trapped, this world is not safe, I dont have a place to hide, I want to run away, I need to find a safe place, There is no safe place, there is no one i can trust, there is no place i can run to for safety, i am fearful, i don't like this, there is no one for me, i cannot trust anyone, i have no one to look out for me, i have no where to turn, i am confused, i don't understand what is happening to me, I feel so insecure, I don't have a safe place, is there anyone who is going to come to help me and rescue me? I am afraid, I am scared of this world, I cannot open up, I want to crawl into a hole for protection, why is the world so dangerous? The people closest to me cannot be trusted, I have to go on my own. I am the only one who can be trusted.
Truth: I will always be here for you and I will protect you.
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Me: Why didn't you protect me from my Dad?
God: I did. He wanted to do more harm on you but I protected you.
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b) Ivan - He was never there to protect me but rather, I needed protection from his emotionally abusive ways. (people are not safe)
- I need to behave myself and be good girl, if not, I will be punished. And not worthy of love and connection.
- I am not allowed to be myself, or let me hair down, if I do, I will be rejected with anger and wrath
- I will not be accepted for who I am. I am only allowed to be who Ivan wants me to be. Talk little, if anything. No opinion. If not, there is will be anger, silent treatment. No connection.
- I am not going to protect you. You have to protect yourself.
- when others criticize you, I am on their side. I will not be on your side. Any negative opinion about you, the other people always have a valid point against you. I will not take your side. I will see what their point is and then take their side.
- I will protect others 90% first before I will come out to protect you.
- I will be nice to everyone EXCEPT you.
- I disagree with you 100% of the time.
- I will manipulate, take advantage of you, abuse you, hurt you, be angry with you, have unforgiveness towards you, feel hypersensitive towards you, everything you do and everything you say, not interested to hear your point of view, not interested to have connection with you, do not want to resolve any issues that we have in our marriage, do not want to help you, will be offended if you tell me anything about me being wrong, will be defensive about anything you bring up or say about me or anything, will shoot down your opinion about anything and everything, will pretend that we are a good couple in front of people but behind closed doors - I will ignore you 100% of the time, will not take time to talk to you to resolve issues, I will be satisfied after I have caused you pain,
TRUTH:
Not everyone is worthy of trust. But you can trust me.
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c) Mom - I never felt the maternal care. She treated me badly when I came back to Malaysia for holidays.
- Rejection, blame, anger, disapproval, hate, hassle, disgust, annoyance, 2-faced, hypocrisy (like Ivan), treats others nice but not me, just like how she has favoritism - she can't love all the same?
Truth:
I will not be like your Mom. I will never be a hypocrite towards you. I will always take your side. I will not reject you. Never think that you are a hassle or annoyance.
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Me: God, can't I go with someone I know?
God: I will be with you, Baby Girl. I will be with you. You have nothing to fear.
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5) Not belonging ( don't feel I belong)
a) People don't love me: Mom, Dad, brothers, sisters, Ivan, Ethaniel - I don't feel loved throughout my life. I thought that Ivan will love me but then, I ended up with abuse. I needed love so badly. I jumped from the frying pan to the fire.
TRUTH:
I love you. They may not love you the way that you needed. But I love you. Now look to me for these love. I am more than able to give to you and fill your heart with sweet love. The type that no human can give to you. I can fulfill your love, so deep, so wide, so high... Nothing that you can imagine. Beyond your imagination.
b) I don't feel at home ( I don't feel at home anywhere now... Because ... I dont feel safe). There is no joy at home because its just full of trauma, pain, disappointment, rejection. I don't have good memories here. (Ivan, Ethaniel, Mom).
TRUTH:
You belong to my heart. I have you deep inside my heart. So, deep and so loved Baby Girl. I love you so so deeply. I want to show you how much you mean to me everyday of your life.. from no onwards. Now look to me for all your satisfaction. But there will come a time when you will have people whom you can trust and love.
c) I don't feel safe: Dad, Ivan
d) I don't feel protected: Dad, Mom, Ivan, God
e) I don't feel loved: Dad, Mom, Ivan, Brothers, Ethaniel
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3) Fear of the unknown/unfamiliar
a) i will be alone
b) No one will support me
c) I don't have money/finances:
d) I don't have people who i can depend on
e) No one will look out for me other than myself
f)
Lies I believed:
1. Nobody wants to hear me speak:
1) Nobody ask or listen to me while growing up. (Feel invisible, insignificant, not important, not valued, not worthy, not good enough, they dont love me, I am not good enough.)
Truth: You are loved. I love you. I have loved you since you were born. I have my eyes on you. You are so totally adorable to me. You are my beautiful Bride. Adore you with all that I am. I long to be with you and spend time with you because you have such a beautiful heart. You are a Bride after my own Heart. I am totally consumed with passion and love for you. Hold me by the hand and let me lead you into a wonderful life with me. You will never be alone, or be broken, or be abandoned or neglected. NEVER. I am with you always and forever. Hold on to me. Hold on. Its going to be an adventure of your life. If you think your life has been dramatic, you don't know what I have instore for you. Keep your eyes open and see what I will do! I will protect you and cherish you. I will love you till your heart is overflowing with 'love juice'. You will see love bubbles popping everywhere because you are so loved by me. I have you safely in my heart. I tugged you safely in there because I can't bear to be apart from you. You are the jewel and the gem in my heart. You are the pearl that I have found.
Matt 13:45 “Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, 46 who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it.
Now, I have found you. I will treasure the pearl that you are. I bought you with a great price. No longer believe or feel that you are of lesser value than the pearl that I sold everything, to buy it. How could you ever think that you have lesser value than everything I want? I have given you my heart and will continue to give you my heart and love. Your value is beyond what I can measure because its ALL that I have given to possess.
I will begin to show you what value you are to me. I will reveal to you more and more. You will be astonished how I see you. How I value you and how much I want you and desire you.
I love to hear you speak to me. I love your chubby cheeks, I love your smile, I love your sarcastic, lame, jokes. Most of all I love your pure heart. Unadulterated with love for me. Your passion and desires for me, I drink it all in and I feel drunk with your attention towards me. You tuck at my heart when you sit down and adore me with your affections. You fill my heart with your love, desires, passions, hunger, expectations, and you can't get enough of me. I love that you want me so much. You have such thirst and hunger for my love. And I shall fulfill you. I am the Bridegroom King who does not disappoint. I am He. I am more than you can imagine. I am more than enough. I EXCEED expectations all the time. Wait and see. I shall show myself and surprise you.
2) Ivan never wants to hear anything I say or take my opinion when I say it.
I want to hear you speak and I will send you to many who will need to hear what you speak. The words that you speak with be anointed and full of power because you are speaking my words. i will speak through you. I will give you the words to speak. You will not be silent by any tactics of the enemy or by anyone. If I am for you, who can be against you? Nobody.
2. Its hard to love me.
a) Ivan (rejection, abandonment, neglect, unloved, invisible, not important, nobody, non value, sadness, not worthy of his time, attention, affection, effort, attention,
Truth:
You are so lovable my dear Baby. Its a lie that you are not lovable. You are absolutely lovable. I can love you all day long, all the time, and more!
b) Mom & Dad - favoritism
3. I am not good judge of people.
4. I am surrounded by people who I cannot trust and not dependable.
5. I am not worthy. That is why I am not loved.
6. The world is not a safe place.
7. People are not safe place.
8. I am alone.
9. I don't have people whom I can depend on.
10. I don't know if I can study well in Bible College.
11.
1.00pm
I started to cry... I cried in repentance for being a powerless church, lovers of self, self reliant, not obedient to the commands of Jesus, no fire,
Holy Spirit:
I have a new assignment for you. You will bring my love, repentance, to my Brides. I want you to revive and bring fire to my Bride. They need to repent. They are helpless, hopeless, blind - cannot see, cannot hear, powerless. They are broken and the enemy has taken captive of them in many areas of their lives. They go to Church and have religious spirit but they do not have a relationship with me. They think going to church is having a relationship with me. It is not. That is not a relationship with me. That is a relationship with religion.
Example..
If you meet your wife/husband 2 hours in a week, is that a relationship? The rest of the week, you read about her/him in a book (if any) and when you need him/her to give you something, you ask for it and expect it to be completed and done soonest possible. If not, you get upset.
A human relationship when executed like that, is not even tolerated by a spouse or anyone for that matter. Its an abusive relationship. You are abusing me. I am that abused SPOUSE. You have abandoned and neglected me.
You sing about me but not to me.
You come to me because you just want something from me but you don't want ME. You only want what I can give to you. That hurts.
You work in your ministry that I didn't ask you do. And when you get burnt out, you blame me.
You go into relationships that I didn't ask you to go into and when its broken, you blame me.
You give yourself to so many causes and stretch yourself thin and you never consulted me but yet when things turn sour, you blame me.
Its a one-way relationship. You take take take and take. You think giving your tithe once a month is giving to me? Do you think I need your money?
Repent!
You say that I try to talk to my friends about Jesus
I do ministry
But its not the DOING that I need from you. Its the BEING that I want from you.
Will you be with me?
Like how you don't want to have friends and spouse that loves you because of your wealth, your beauty, talents, gifts, fame... that you can give to them. I also want you to love me because of ME, not what you can get out of me.
