I hear my Beloved say this to me:
I love you, i adore you, I want to be with you always. I want to hold you all day. In the morning, I want to show you my love. I want you to know that this is your life, to feel my love and be loved by me. I adore you.
Me:
Its hard for me to receive your adorations and words of love. I can receive instructions from you. E.g ministry and what to do. That is the mentality of a servant. But this seems like I have a problem in having a relationship with Him.
What is the problem?
I have a wall.
Rejection, Unbelief, Unworthy...
Rejection: Womb, Mom + Dad, Ivan,
Unbelief:
Fear of Rejection:
I feel a wall. I know there is a wall.
I know there is a wall. I can't fully believe or receive.
Why?
Its too good to be true.
Up till about 1 year ago, I was treated like a piece of shit. Made to feel like I am a nuisance. By a husband who is suppose to to be precious. Who made a vow to me but never fulfilled his words throughout the 24 years. The only there is just not treating me bad. But totally abandoning me, neglecting me. NOTHING. Now i am happy because he is not abusing me. Not because he is nice. I happy because he treats me like a stranger and not mistreat me, rude, sarcastic, angry, demanding, etc.
"Waiting for the other shoe to fall."
There are always bad things that happens.
I feel like I am bracing myself. Having a wall to protect myself from upcoming pain. Upcoming bad news. Something ALWAYS happens. Nothing stays peaceful and good for long.
I am bracing myself. Holding my breath?
I am like enjoying my relationship with you Jesus. Its so good that its too good to be true. I am like waiting for the bad news. Like its not OK to do it. Like something is going to happen...
DRN: Hurt from IC
I feel like there is a ceiling. My whole life, my expectations is not fulfilled. I don't get what I want. So, what makes me think that this time its any different?
I am afraid to have expectations. There is A CEILING. I can't believe that I can achieve anything big.
All the prophecies given to me, I can't really be excited about it. I have an attitude of wait and see la. That is not faith.
My experience in life is stopping me from reaching the sky. And to think that the sky is the limit.
I can't even really believe that Jesus loves me that much. All the words He speaks to me, its hard for me to receive it.
What is the root of this Lord? How to get healing for it?
What is it?
1. Fear
2. Fear that it will not happen
3.Fear to expect
4.Unworthy
Lie?
1. You will not be successful
2. You will not make it
3. You are alone. You wont have help. You will struggle by yourself and having to do it all alone.
Truth;
I will help you. With my righteous right hand, I will uphold and help you. You will always receive my help - Holy Spirit. I will be here for you. You will be great in my Kingdom. My favor is upon you.
What to do?
Receive His Love.
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