I was reading an article about sex and I began to feel physical pain...
I felt the pain of my sexual life with IC. My Married life..
1) it was purely physical. Definitely.
2) I was so lonely that I needed touch and attention through sex because thats the only thing I feel that I can get from him and that he will give to me without complaining. Everything else he will complain. But when sex also he complained, i no longer want it.
3) Felt used
4) Rejection
5) His use of porn - I can't put a finger to my emotions. I feel like there is a blocked pain. Something that I dont want to think about... BETRAYAL. Yes, its that.
6) Not only that he cannot be nice, respectful, kind, understanding, cherishing, and all the opposite of what a husband is to be, he DOES NOTHING for me emotionally.
7) He makes me feel that I have no right to ask for a single thing from him. And even if I do ask, I wont get it.
8) I cannot give any comment. Its construed as criticism. It will not go well if I express it. Its shunned, frowned, dis-connect, reject, cold shoulder,
9) Cold Shoulder.
10) He is never nice to be outside the bedroom.
11) Sex was the ONLY thing that gave me some 'intimate' time with him. But yet, even with that, I never got anything from him in response.
12) Its my duty to fulfill his needs. In case I am not following the bible. He will go away and have his needs with other women.
13) He has 2 faces. He is cordial when outside but not at home. We put on a show when outside but when we are at home, we never talk.
DRN:
Feeling lonely, needing touch, attention, only way to be received and accepted, feeling used, betrayal, duty,
Lies:
- I must fulfill his needs if not he will go and find other women
- He will love me, if we have sex
- i dont have right to ask anything from him.
Truth:
Leave these behind and don't dwell on it anymore.
DRN:
PAIN? => Sadness, rejection, regret, betrayal, cheated, deprived, meanness, systematic torture, cruelly treated, abused, neglected, abandoned,
God, you didn't protect me? from Ivan...
I wanted you to stand up for yourself to him.
1) Protected you when I sent him to do music at church. You had free time on Saturdays without him and most Sundays he was there late. It wasn't that his music skills will be used anytime soon. It was just my way of getting him out of the way.
2) To BKK.. I wanted you to learn to stand-up for yourself.
3) During your breakdown from 2009-2012 - In a way, you were protected from him. You didn't have to deal with him for 4 years.
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