2) I have never done it alone before.
4) fear of the unfamiliar
6) Loneliness
7)I have NEVER been without people I am familiar with
8) I don't have money
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Me: I feel teary and crying... Why Lord?
God: I am doing a deep Healing inside of you.
Me: More healing? More healing needed?
God: Yes.
Many many years ago, I have dreams of living with Ivan in a happy marriage. Where we talk, laugh and enjoy each other. Just recalling these memories, I felt pain in my body!
What's happening? Why do I feel pain in my body? Did I surpress the pain???? But I do feel pain just recalling these.
24 years is a long time to have my dreams die... Up till a year ago, I was still hopeful for a restored and healed marriage. Infact less than a year ago, I still thought that you will heal my marriage. I was still hopeful. Then as I began to let go, I can see more and more clearly ...
Is it burial day today? Burial of my marriage. Burial of hope?
Its been 24 years of hope, working at it, praying,...
You asked me if I will stay in the marriage if you change him. So, I stayed.
You didn't manage to change him? Why?
God:
I want to change him. I tried for a time. He doesn't feel the need to change. He is happy the way he is. He doesn't feel the need to change himself in this marriage. He has been used to the way he does things. He has never needed to change in 24 years. He has no need of you either. He loves himself more. He doesn't feel the need to change. He can live without you. He has all that he needs in himself. He doesn't think that you are worth the change. So, I am going to let him be.
Actually with the case of Ethaniel, he had a great opportunity to change. But still he did not. EC situation is a great opportunity and the best time to change for a family to come together. I also revealed to him, his issues and problems (Narcissistic) but yet, he still didn't want to change.
And I have removed him from your future because of the choice that he has made. I have a great plan for you without him.
Me:
I will go where you lead me and do what you want me to do. I will follow up and obey you. I can live with or without him. I know you have the best for me. Whatever you are doing.,
I have wanted something for 24 years - my marriage. I have had hope differed for 24 years
God, I don't know how to move forward without my kids and Ivan. At 50 years old, am I expected to move forward by myself? But why?
As dysfunctional as my life is, I have never gone alone. No matter what, I didn't have to go all by myself without my kids, or Ivan or family. They are not the best people but at least I don't have to go alone.
FEAR: going alone.
1)Nobody will help me: => -Ivan never helped me whenever I asked for help for anything. If he is the supposedly closes person to me and doesn't help me. Others also will not help me. Ivan blocked me from other helping me. Because others think that I am helped or provided for.
a) 1) complaining from Ivan whenever I ask him for help to do anything.
Lies: (Received hurt, rejection, not important, not worthy of his time or attention, feel small, feel insignificant, feel unimportant, my voice should be doubted for its value/importance/truth, nothing I say is smart or important, my opinions are not good enough and not good, 'keep quiet' because i won't take your opinion, you are nobody to me, you are not equal to me,)
Truth:
You are A BIG BODY of importance. You are my EQUAL. I will consult you and I will reveal mysterious things to you. I value your opinion, I value you. You are more than significant to me and my Kingdom. You will always have a say in me, about me, in my Kingdom... I trust you Baby Girl. I trust you will my people. I trust you with my Bride. He is the idiot.
b) My Mom who complains about everything she helps me except if I give her money. I don't know when it started but since forever, I could never ask Mom.. She has favoritism towards my Brothers. She will willingly do EVERYTHING for them. But I know that I can never ask her for anything.
- she always makes me feel unworthy, troublesome, not worthy the affection, not worth the attention, not important, not smart, not clever, no time for me, not good enough, not worthy, not special, not loved, not cared for, invisible, a hassle, troublesome, not protected, doesn't belong, not cool, not part of it, blamed, lonely, alone, don't dare to ask for anything, will not be given, the good stuffs are not for me, I only deserve the leftovers and the unwanted stuffs, the good stuffs are not for me (they are for others, my bros), don't even ask for the good stuffs, they are reserved for others,
Truth:
All of my promises and all that I have is yours. Ask of Me and I will give you the nations as your inheritance. Ask and you will receive, seek and you shall find, Knock and it will be given to you. Ask Baby girl, ask.
c) Mom always always complain when I ask her for money since I was small. She ALWAYS whines and complains. She is not generous towards me.
Truth: I will be generous towards you. I am NOT your Mom or Ivan. I am God. The one who owns everything on this planet. You are the lover of Mine. What is it that I will not give to you? Ask.
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8) People are not safe:
a) My Dad - He molested me. Didn't protect me. He was never a father. I needed protection from him. The men in my life cannot be trusted. They were never a safe place... My brothers, Ethaniel, Ivan, Dad,
- Men is not a safe place, feeling unsafe, feel harmed, not protected, no where to hide, don't belong, trapped, this world is not safe, I dont have a place to hide, I want to run away, I need to find a safe place, There is no safe place, there is no one i can trust, there is no place i can run to for safety, i am fearful, i don't like this, there is no one for me, i cannot trust anyone, i have no one to look out for me, i have no where to turn, i am confused, i don't understand what is happening to me, I feel so insecure, I don't have a safe place, is there anyone who is going to come to help me and rescue me? I am afraid, I am scared of this world, I cannot open up, I want to crawl into a hole for protection, why is the world so dangerous? The people closest to me cannot be trusted, I have to go on my own. I am the only one who can be trusted.
Truth: I will always be here for you and I will protect you.
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Me: Why didn't you protect me from my Dad?
God: I did. He wanted to do more harm on you but I protected you.
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b) Ivan - He was never there to protect me but rather, I needed protection from his emotionally abusive ways. (people are not safe)
- I need to behave myself and be good girl, if not, I will be punished. And not worthy of love and connection.
- I am not allowed to be myself, or let me hair down, if I do, I will be rejected with anger and wrath
- I will not be accepted for who I am. I am only allowed to be who Ivan wants me to be. Talk little, if anything. No opinion. If not, there is will be anger, silent treatment. No connection.
- I am not going to protect you. You have to protect yourself.
- when others criticize you, I am on their side. I will not be on your side. Any negative opinion about you, the other people always have a valid point against you. I will not take your side. I will see what their point is and then take their side.
- I will protect others 90% first before I will come out to protect you.
- I will be nice to everyone EXCEPT you.
- I disagree with you 100% of the time.
- I will manipulate, take advantage of you, abuse you, hurt you, be angry with you, have unforgiveness towards you, feel hypersensitive towards you, everything you do and everything you say, not interested to hear your point of view, not interested to have connection with you, do not want to resolve any issues that we have in our marriage, do not want to help you, will be offended if you tell me anything about me being wrong, will be defensive about anything you bring up or say about me or anything, will shoot down your opinion about anything and everything, will pretend that we are a good couple in front of people but behind closed doors - I will ignore you 100% of the time, will not take time to talk to you to resolve issues, I will be satisfied after I have caused you pain,
TRUTH:
Not everyone is worthy of trust. But you can trust me.
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c) Mom - I never felt the maternal care. She treated me badly when I came back to Malaysia for holidays.
- Rejection, blame, anger, disapproval, hate, hassle, disgust, annoyance, 2-faced, hypocrisy (like Ivan), treats others nice but not me, just like how she has favoritism - she can't love all the same?
Truth:
I will not be like your Mom. I will never be a hypocrite towards you. I will always take your side. I will not reject you. Never think that you are a hassle or annoyance.
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Me: God, can't I go with someone I know?
God: I will be with you, Baby Girl. I will be with you. You have nothing to fear.
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5) Not belonging ( don't feel I belong)
a) People don't love me: Mom, Dad, brothers, sisters, Ivan, Ethaniel - I don't feel loved throughout my life. I thought that Ivan will love me but then, I ended up with abuse. I needed love so badly. I jumped from the frying pan to the fire.
TRUTH:
I love you. They may not love you the way that you needed. But I love you. Now look to me for these love. I am more than able to give to you and fill your heart with sweet love. The type that no human can give to you. I can fulfill your love, so deep, so wide, so high... Nothing that you can imagine. Beyond your imagination.
b) I don't feel at home ( I don't feel at home anywhere now... Because ... I dont feel safe). There is no joy at home because its just full of trauma, pain, disappointment, rejection. I don't have good memories here. (Ivan, Ethaniel, Mom).
TRUTH:
You belong to my heart. I have you deep inside my heart. So, deep and so loved Baby Girl. I love you so so deeply. I want to show you how much you mean to me everyday of your life.. from no onwards. Now look to me for all your satisfaction. But there will come a time when you will have people whom you can trust and love.
c) I don't feel safe: Dad, Ivan
d) I don't feel protected: Dad, Mom, Ivan, God
e) I don't feel loved: Dad, Mom, Ivan, Brothers, Ethaniel
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3) Fear of the unknown/unfamiliar
a) i will be alone
b) No one will support me
c) I don't have money/finances:
d) I don't have people who i can depend on
e) No one will look out for me other than myself
f)
